November 2011
I had really weird dreams and have been feeling off every time I have a minute to think/breathe (which is not all that often these days). All I remember is being incredibly depressed and crying so so so desperately.
I think my meds are working too well in my waking life, so my subconscious has to make up for it. Is that a thing? I can’t cry when I want to, can’t stay sad when I feel it coming and try to welcome it.
Hard life? I don’t know, sad is okay sometimes. I haven’t had a good cry in weeks.
literaryfool replied to your post: I wish being agender wasn’t such a foreign concept to most people.
I’m from a really smaller place where being agender is unheard of/not seen much etc, so thats why i follow people on tumblr! If i ever say anything to offend you somehow, please know it is due to inexperience, not hate.
Awww, thanksyou. I don’t really get offended or angry at people, because generally they just really don’t know. I don’t expect them to. I’ve been agender for as long as I can remember, and really only learned it was a thing in the last two years. I just wish it was more out there, and I wish I was more outgoing and able to educate people myself. BUT MAYBE I DO BECAUSE TUMBLR?
The number of times in a day that I am called a girl/lady is making me feel super down. It’s making me less okay with feminine pronouns, just out of spite.
Also this one girly boy was really nice to me for a few days, then snubbed me completely when he found out I have a vagina. Fuck this.
My hair is really wet and I’m super happy in my underwear, but I would like a smoke and that requires a 5 minute walk and 5 layers.
My life is really hard. I don’t know if you knew.
It’s Tuesday, which means some people go home for a week and people I haven’t yet met are coming in. I honestly almost cried because of the people leaving. I don’t really know most of them. I think this means I’m under-cried. I caught myself looking forward to when I was off work so that I could cry really hard. But then I was too tired.
I was falling asleep then I kind of dreamed about a tiny kitten who had fallen in a sink and was soaked and squeaking and kind of getting stuck between the tap and the wall and I kind of woke up crying then my head started spinning and I thought about people I miss and am confused about and I had to take a pill to calm down.
I have a new birth certificate and have introduced myself to near a hundred people as Morgan in the last four days. Just sayin’. I’m in the perfect place for it to really sink in.
I think my first splurge will be to get myself a new ID when I get paid. AND A CELEBRATORY TATTOO?? Want now please.
My hands are bright red on the backs and it feels like the worst sunburn EVER. I’m allergic to latex-free/powder free gloves? Shit dudes, I guess I can’t do any dirty work tomorrow (yeah right).
To clarify I mean using chemicals and touching food things for work. Not sexy times.
Day two at camp. Working SO HARD and going to bed at like 6:30pm. Who even am I. I think I might adjust my breaks and eat lunch really fast so I can have my half hour just for internet times.
But in the mean time, I’m not dead! Nineteen more days of hard work and not enough sleep then I will be freeeeee (for a limited time).
Now I must go eat ice cream naked and watch TV until I pass out. I love you.
pinatasmashing replied to your post: Trying not to be too afraid or too excited for…
whats the adventure!?
Going north north north to work in trailers in the woods and barely see the sun until the money is everywhere and we can go anywhere. I guess this is just the beginning of the adventures, which I do not know enough about to talk about yet.
I love learning really simple, obvious things.
Like, hey. If you’re totally and completely honest about EVERY SINGLE THING to someone you are close to, there is a lot less room for hurt and disappointment.
For the first time in my life, I’m thinking about keeping my whites their whitest.
I’m totally an adult. I can do laundry maybe sometimes.
Trying not to be too afraid or too excited for this next adventure. Trying to just let it happen, because that’s how things go anyway. Good things and bad things will happen, but it will all happen no matter what I worry about right now.
I have a job, guys. Legit. Getting almost $20/hour, a free room, and ALL THE FREE FOODS. Takin’ vitamins and trying to breathe and be okay because I could easily go over the edge. I almost made it the whole year without working after my breakdown, and now I will be working three weeks straight without a day off and never leaving the trailers that I eat/sleep/work in. This could kind of be a recipe for disaster, but I think I can be pretty tough if I need to be. Also, I’m ready for this next adventure. Bring it all on.
You love me so perfectly. I want to get out of bed, but your arm across my middle is the best and most comforting feeling. I’m trying to check my email but you keep making cute little noises and pouting your lips in your sleep and I can’t stop looking at you. What did I ever do to deserve this.
World, this is not a good night for my public image. Please still love me. Honest plea.
Being granted 60 ativan instead of 30 makes me feel like any uncomfortable thought or feeling can immediately be obliterated if I don’t like it. Trying to resist. Don’t want that to be me. I kind of like being able to feel things. Some things feel really really good. But but. The bad ones. Isn’t it better if they’re not there?
I’m fine. New proposal. I’m fine.
“I liked the maple leafs because it was blue.”
I’ve been thinking about T kinda seriously in the past few days. I’m not exactly sure where it came from. I don’t want serious change, but all the ma’am-in’ and my girly voice and such and such has just REALLY been bothering me lately. Honestly, it’s been somewhere on my mind for a long time, and the only thing holding me back has been (gasp) genitalgrowth. But that doesn’t even sound so bad now.
I kinda feel like crying because I hate being so unsure about myself. Anybody wanna talk?
Too cold for bike rides and hammock naps, not cold enough for tobogganing/skating. How am I supposed to enjoy the great outdoors?
Oh hey, Canadians! Anybody know when Big Rock starts selling their Winter Spice beer? I’d totally walk through the snow for that.
