we just want to emote 'til we're dead

Kind of a shit day today. Nothing too awful, just this off feeling that could turn to so much sadness/anger if I let it. Just want to cuddle up and watch silly movies but I still have to clean 20-some smelly boys’ rooms. >:(

On the bright side, my mother is doing some reading/research on gender. This is delightfully surprising, but I’m not expecting too much.

adravet:

I want you to lie for me. If you’re a woman, say “I am a man.” If you’re a man, say “I am a woman.” Say it out loud. Say it to your reflection. Do you feel that little disconnect there, where the sentiment you’re articulating doesn’t match up with the reality you experience? You know you’re lying. Even if someone else comes up and says “Hey! That’s right! That’s definitely what you are,” you will still know you’re lying.

I can’t speak for everyone, but that’s what happens to me when I try to place myself as either male or female. I could stand up and say “I am a man,” and know, to my bones, that I was lying. Just as I’d be lying if I said “I am a woman.”

It’s not a matter of thinking, “I can’t be a man/woman if I want to do or like these things.” I know that as a woman, I could still have a career, join the military, roughhouse, be athletic, be great at science – all those stereotypically male things. I know that as a man, I could still stay at home, raise kids, bake, knit, show my emotions easily and often – all those stereotypically female things. My gender identity is not about what I want to do, it’s about who I am.

This is not a new idea. Cultures across the globe have acknowledged more than two genders, from the Middle Kingdom of Egypt to the Lakota of North America, from Mayan civilization to the Siberian Chuckhi. References to persons neither male nor female date back to some of humanity’s most ancient written records, such as the Sumerian creation myth, and survive in seminal religious texts such as the Ramayana and the Halakha.

If you want to learn more, the citation list on Wikipedia’s article on “Third gender” has links and references to scholarly articles, books, studies, and excerpts which might help you get an idea of the nature and history of various non-binary identities. Or you can look at more contemporary accounts, such as Neutrois.com, or the discussion on AVEN’s site on “What it feels like to be trans, genderqueer or genderless”. Remember that no single narrative will be able to represent all people, and different nonbinary people may have different preferred terms, explanations, and experiences.

Today was the first day I said dysphoria out loud (why is that such a scary word for me?), the first day I cried about it (and how), aaaaaand I just got my period. Guhhhhhhh awesome.

Before work today I stood and looked sadly in the mirror and said I didn’t want to go to work because I didn’t want anyone to see me.

Life… why you so mean to me today?

You know what’s worse than being called a lady all day? Someone saying “Sup, man?”, then turning bright red and apologizing profusely when they hear my voice.

1. Somebody used the fire exit in the dorm I was cleaning and the alarm went off.
2. Someone borrowed my pen “for a sec” but took WAY too long to give it back, and I had to stand awkwardly in the hallway.
3. There was a repetitive banging noise in the room under mine when I got “home”.
4. We had a “site orientation meeting” and they played some pretty graphic ads.

…this may seem like I’m being funny, but each of these things nearly gave me a panic attack and now I keep almost crying and I just really don’t want to be crazy anymore ok.

The forest is right outside my window, but we’re not allowed to leave camp. What if I bundled up and just ran out the fire exit and into the trees before anyone noticed? I want to run until I can’t see these awful trailers and just sit in the snow and stare at the sky through the trees until it gets dark.

Was in a good mood all day, then I for some reason mentioned how big my hips are and now I keep pulling at my pants and my shirt and my binder is really tight and annoying and I hate everyone and everything right now and I can’t even drown my sorrows because I’m at a dry camp and they search my bags when I come in and ugh hate hate hate.

I buzzed my hair in some client’s room today and mirrors are hard so now I have a bald spot. I just left it instead of trying to even it out.

The air here is really dry and awful to my face and I have given up trying to hide/fix that.

I’m not sure if this is me being carefree and letting go of things that don’t really matter, or if these are signs of me slipping again.

My laptop has been in my bag for almost a week. Who am I? Where am I???

I am (kind of) alive. Somebody please support me financially so I can just sit in my beautiful apartment and get a cat and a bird and sleep until noon on a balcony bunk bed.

This job is feeling more and more like a prison so I am trying to sleep it away.

I’m not sure which me I like the most. I haven’t felt too crazy/sad at all lately, but I haven’t felt like me (or anybody) lately. Is it worth it? 

Dear feelings,
Please appear in a more manageable fashion.
-Me 

I really like torn tights and old naked mattresses. Friendly drunks and being just the right amount of miserable.

I’m working for an awful awful company, making/spending way too much money, and staying sober for weeks at a time through no choice of my own.

I forget who I am sometimes and forget that it doesn’t matter.

I’m going to SF pride in June and mostly I’m just thinking about which tumblr folks I can meet. Will you be there? Can I meet you?

My girlfriend told me today that she doesn’t think anyone could ever know me at all until they get drunk with me. It’s 100% accurate, and when it’s not funny, it’s sad.

I realize I’m probably the last person in the world to read the perks of being a wallflower, but I finally did it. I read it in a day and sobbed all over the place. I still want to cry, but it’s getting silly. 

Good books make being stuck out in the middle of nowhere so much more bearable. I’ve been reading while walking/eating/working, and I don’t plan on stopping until I go home on Tuesday.

Does anybody have a beautiful/sad (but not too sad) book they could recommend?

biscuitmunroe:

While i appreciate you telling Morgan that they should treat me better it’s really not necessary.  MY love considers me their princess and treats me accordingly.  We have our ups and down and especially due to some mental health issues on both of our parts we have been having a rough month. 

But we love each other so hard, and treat each other with so much kindness, love and respect.  If our respective tumblr’s make it look otherwise it’s only because we tease each other incessantly and think we’re the funniest people in the world. 

So thanks for the thought, but don’t worry about me :) 

Heck yeah! True loooove ftw!

1. My oldest sister is visiting from Egypt next month! I miss her soooooo much and am really reeeeeaaally excited. Like really.
2. I ordered so much shit off the internet before I came back to work and all I can think about is all the goodies that are probably just sitting in my mailbox waiting for me until I get home next week. It is TORTURE. The good kind.

derikrose:

at least 50% of my dysphoria is just about my voice #mtfconfessions

Godddddd, yes. Even like 80%. Oh hey hi wanna trade voices? 

I’ve been laughing so hard that I snort a lot lately.

I also can’t remember the last day that I didn’t cry.

This has been an update of my life.